You Can't Choose Them

There is nothing truer than the phrase 'You can't chose your family'.

This was prompted by a discussion we were having at lunch today, my family seems to be split completely down the centre in regards to morality and mentality. My close family such as my mum and my two grandparents are my kind of people, we are very similar in many ways, very open minded and I suppose you could say liberal. We like a wide range of music and films, we enjoy things that many people may not, we are more interested in things like architecture, photography and fashion instead of football, cars and alcohol. Now i completely accept that everyone has different interests and tastes after all that's what makes us all unique, however there are differences within our extended family that I am extremely unhappy about.

I know that I'm an unusual person, and I love it. I'm left handed, dyslexic, gay, depressive, over emotional, atheistic, perverted, articulate and creative to the point of brain overflow. I am consequently very open minded and I tend to gravitate towards people that differ from the 'norm', people that I can relate to. What deeply upsets me is that outside of my close family seems to have formed a shell of people that in any other circumstance would offend me by their mere existence; bigoted, racist, homophobic, chauvinistic, narrow minded people. The kind of people that make me shout at the television with pure rage and hatred as they ignorantly spill out views and opinions that are inadvertently focused towards my closest friends and indeed myself.

It makes me sad that the modern open minded attitude that my close family shares is not carried across to the rest. There are at least four people that fit the above description in my family (that I know of) that have a very offensive attitude towards anyone that is outside of their moral bubble. A few of them are siblings of my grandparents, what upsets me is that my grandparents have to be subjected to an endless barrage of these views when these relatives visit, even when they know that they do not share the same opinions. This is upsetting to me as without knowing these people are basically talking about their hatred for me and many of the people that I hold dear, for simply being born this way.

Although these relatives are unaware of my sexual preference or my opinions on such subjects, their prejudiced ideas are not mentioned when I am around, of which I am grateful because I would not be able to hold my tongue in such a situation. I am not sure why they don't know, it is not remotely important for them to know, however I do wonder how much their attitude towards me would change on the discovery of this. I dont know if an opportunity has presented itself at all over the years to inform them of this, if it has I do not blame my grandparents for keeping it to themselves as we have had many rifts in our family over the years and the last thing anyone wants is to reopen the scars. I have no doubt that my grandparents will have read this at some point, and if so I am glad.

It does upset me greatly that these things can be a problem, and at times I wish I didn't always have to take the moral highground and be able to tell these people how they offend me, it is true enough that I vent my anger frequently in order to avoid this. As good as it is to avoid such conflict, I'm afraid that their eventual discovery of a dreaded gay in the family or should I say another dreaded gay (yes there's at least two of us! shock horror!) is completetely inevetable in the end.

_Saturn

The Duality Of A Creative Mind

Its a well known phrase, The tortured genius, many people similar to myself know the feeling of it from personal experience. In most creative or intelligent people it is basically a by-product that along with this gift that they have, there is always a price to pay.

It is in the type of thinking that makes a creative brain both revolutionary and destructive, the process of thinking, imagining, analysing and criticizing is not restrained to one area of life. It may be helpful in many ways however this process of thinking is strongest when it is internalised and often makes the person extremely self destructive.

This manifests itself in many ways from depression and anxiety disorders to bipolar disorder and even schizophrenia, Many well known intelligent and creative people suffer from such problems. Whilst it can be very debilitating it can also be a driver or source of inspiration for some people, at least once they have learnt to harness its effects. These things do not make a person 'mad', they are mainly misunderstood.

I personally know a lot about this, I am a creative person and I also suffer from this form of duality. The creative process that I go through on a daily basis of designing can occasionally suffer, i tend to go through cycles of productivity and inspiration soon followed by a period of doubt, denial and destruction which is repeated. Personally I have never been able to harness the potential of my mood changes and my internalised critique, I just have to ride them out, One day I hope to be less effected by them but until that time I shall be under the control of the Beast within.

_Saturn

Milk

I'm having one of those moments when you realise that life is too short to hold yourself back, I have to say I normally get these moments after some sort of emotional drain and this time is no exception. Luckily not a major emotional drain as it is in fact a result of watching the film 'Milk', if you have not seen it a brief summary is that it follows the gay rights rallies during the 1970s and more specifically the career of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay person to be elected into public office. Whilst being emotional and saddening, it was very inspiring and hopeful for those of us who know how difficult life can be when swimming against the tide.

I had a similar reaction when I first read about the stonewall riots, for some reason the strength of our community is underestimated and extremely strong when challenged. It is something that no doubt most heterosexual people will not fully realise or understand that we are a very close community, we are each others family, strengthened by our shared way of life, discrimination and experiences. I am never more comfortable than when I am in all gay company, there is no way to describe it, if you are not in a minority I imagine this does not make too much sense. There are no barriers, we are ourselves, surrounded by people who know exactly what it feels like to be you. There is a closeness that is unrivalled in any other area of life, no matter what is going on we can sit together, relax, enjoy ourselves, wrap our arms around each other and suddenly you are home.

Of course I am not remotely meaning to belittle any other minorities closeness, I know there are many similarities between us all, however unlike things such as race or skin colour sexuality is something that many people have never been able to understand, I realise that we live in such a tolerant society now in comparison to years ago. I guess what I'm saying in a rather long winded way is that even though I will never meet them, from the bottom of my heart I want to thank all those who fought for us all, through those decades of bloody struggle and activism and to those brave people who have and always will always fight for the simple rights for us to love who we love. For all our brothers and sisters that lost their lives fighting for our community such as Harvey Milk and for people whose unnecessary victimisation has helped forward our legislation such as dear Matthew Shepard whose murder saw the laws change on sexuality based hate crimes.

I could go on forever, but I wont. I'm missing my gay friends right now, I've been so busy and my life has been all over the place for months now that I have not had much free time. Eventually I will manage to get my life back on track and It can be hopefully a lot more fulfilled, but for now this particular post was a reflection on my community and my ever lasting loyalty to it.

_Saturn

Changing Seasons

It's that time of year again, the air is still warm but it carries with it a cold accent. The change of the season is approaching us, and even though it happens hundreds of times during our lifetime it still feels unusually new.

I love Autumn it is my favourite season, where some of the best natural changes occur and it can be the most beautiful time of year, I think the poem To Autumn by Keats sums it up much better than I can, It represents the most beautiful time of life just before death. It feels this way to me too, Winter is a harsh time, the bringer of great depression. It is also a beautiful time, I love the cold; frozen breath with a hot cup of tea and a white covering of frost across anything the air touches.

Unfortunately for some reason these times are the worst of the year for me, that cool yet mild breeze sweeps across my face and gives me a kick in the stomach like it has so many times before. The slow degrading of the seasons is followed every year by my own mood levels, In short; I fear this time of year. With autumn comes a gruelling time of year, when you are in education autumn represents new beginnings, new years, new challenges and often another new way of life. That is what this autumn brings for me, I have finished my undergraduate course and am now beginning my post graduate course, after making some very difficult decisions and possibly costing myself some friends in this recent storm called life.

Winter then approaches which always instills a sense of desolation within me, which is not welcome but is inevitable. I think it's something that happens to many people during the winter months, almost like Seasonal Affective Disorder where the cold light of winter affects a persons mood. I am hoping that the new changes in my life will help to balance the upcoming seasons with work or new people, but it is no guarantee. We shall see...

Saturn_

A Fork In The Road, With Bent Prongs

Every few years of your life you reach a turning point, either good or bad there is usually some form of change. It happens to us constantly through our childhood as we progress through different levels of education and growing up, all the way through to university when we have become adults, then you begin the rest of your life as you leave university. We go out into the world completely alone and have to rely on ourselves to do what we need to survive, a frightening feeling knowing that you are completely alone from this point on to make what you will of your life.

I am reaching this fork in the road, it looms ahead in the near future almost like a criminal on death row, knowing his inevitable fate. The time to make decisions is now, important potentially life changing decisions, these have all arrived at once like a gigantic ton of bricks being dropped from a great height. When do you know if you've made the right decision? its only a 50/50 chance that it will be right or wrong, yes or no. I have to make decisions about my career and about all aspects of my future, even where i live, all of this couldn't really have come at a worse time when i seem to be very close to rock bottom right now and have far too many things to try and deal with. Is it possible to make good decisions when your mind is in several different places at once? I hope so.


Saturn_

Overactive Mind

I find myself returning to my all too common problem of over-ambitiousness. As usual my mind is veering off at every angle, I find myself wanting to do what i used to do, I miss scriptwriting, filming and acting. I miss creating artwork, writing and I want to make obscure conceptual short films, I want to make music and start writing songs again. Of course it is unfortunate that now i have to inspiration to do this i am now lacking the time to do so. I have now begun the final project of my current degree which is an exciting one, so my brain is currently both hyperactive and comatose with ideas and badly placed chemicals.

Saturn_

A Hidden Double Standard?

Ive been having a conversation with someone on the Internet who made a statement that i felt i just had to challenge. I'm not one of those people who can let something pass by if it causes a little red light in my head.

The man said; 'Why do some of you guys make so much about being gay? For Christ's sake, stop flying a banner about your sexuality, and get on with living your lives.'

Now i know what he means, however i also know that he has no idea what the fuck he is talking about. I am lucky enough not to know many people that have such volatile reactions to things like sexuality, I by no means wish to address all of the issues relating to this, because it would take forever. I would though like to address the statement which this man made.

I replied with; 'Well think of it this way; If you look at a straight man and how much his sexuality influences his life, you will find that is is pretty much 100%, its not really any different if you are gay, it affects your life 100% so there shouldn't be any reason to hide it any more than straight men hide their sexuality.'

I stand by this completely, I don't feel it needs any more explanation, it is simple enough. Is it that this man in particular feels uncomfortable with such things? if so then that is his issue and not for other people to bend around.


Saturn_