A Fork In The Road, With Bent Prongs

Every few years of your life you reach a turning point, either good or bad there is usually some form of change. It happens to us constantly through our childhood as we progress through different levels of education and growing up, all the way through to university when we have become adults, then you begin the rest of your life as you leave university. We go out into the world completely alone and have to rely on ourselves to do what we need to survive, a frightening feeling knowing that you are completely alone from this point on to make what you will of your life.

I am reaching this fork in the road, it looms ahead in the near future almost like a criminal on death row, knowing his inevitable fate. The time to make decisions is now, important potentially life changing decisions, these have all arrived at once like a gigantic ton of bricks being dropped from a great height. When do you know if you've made the right decision? its only a 50/50 chance that it will be right or wrong, yes or no. I have to make decisions about my career and about all aspects of my future, even where i live, all of this couldn't really have come at a worse time when i seem to be very close to rock bottom right now and have far too many things to try and deal with. Is it possible to make good decisions when your mind is in several different places at once? I hope so.


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Overactive Mind

I find myself returning to my all too common problem of over-ambitiousness. As usual my mind is veering off at every angle, I find myself wanting to do what i used to do, I miss scriptwriting, filming and acting. I miss creating artwork, writing and I want to make obscure conceptual short films, I want to make music and start writing songs again. Of course it is unfortunate that now i have to inspiration to do this i am now lacking the time to do so. I have now begun the final project of my current degree which is an exciting one, so my brain is currently both hyperactive and comatose with ideas and badly placed chemicals.

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A Hidden Double Standard?

Ive been having a conversation with someone on the Internet who made a statement that i felt i just had to challenge. I'm not one of those people who can let something pass by if it causes a little red light in my head.

The man said; 'Why do some of you guys make so much about being gay? For Christ's sake, stop flying a banner about your sexuality, and get on with living your lives.'

Now i know what he means, however i also know that he has no idea what the fuck he is talking about. I am lucky enough not to know many people that have such volatile reactions to things like sexuality, I by no means wish to address all of the issues relating to this, because it would take forever. I would though like to address the statement which this man made.

I replied with; 'Well think of it this way; If you look at a straight man and how much his sexuality influences his life, you will find that is is pretty much 100%, its not really any different if you are gay, it affects your life 100% so there shouldn't be any reason to hide it any more than straight men hide their sexuality.'

I stand by this completely, I don't feel it needs any more explanation, it is simple enough. Is it that this man in particular feels uncomfortable with such things? if so then that is his issue and not for other people to bend around.


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No Rest For The Wicked

Twenty Ten, it's here!

Even though we are only about two weeks into the new year, I have been spending the vast majority of my time on a depressingly large amount of work that seems to embody one of those meals that you sometimes get in a restaurant, the one where you keep eating and eating but never seem to make any difference to the amount on the plate. I currently have a nice collection of portfolio work, exam revision, a very large essay and I also must begin to think about applying for next years work placement. This whole bundle of fun needs to be wrapped up neatly in the next two weeks, lucky me.

A brilliant dead load to start the year with, but luckily i know i can do it, i just enjoy complaining about it.

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A Decade

We are approaching the dawn of a new decade, in a few days it will be 2010. Doesn't it make you feel old when you've seen a whole decade gone by? It feels strange for me because Ive only been on this planet for two decades but the first of these i can not really remember much about. However this first decade of the new millennium is now about to end and i remember it all, which is both reassuring yet also slightly sad.

Although if we want to get technical id call the end of the decade, the last day of 2010.

This year has been a very difficult one, possibly my most challenging year ever; mentally, physically and in every other respect. Next year holds a lot of hope and excitement, yet also intimidation. I shall graduate next year, meaning that i will have my part 1 in architecture, i will then have to find work placement in the industry, a very intimidating prospect indeed. I shall also be having a holiday next year, i haven't had one since 2004, as i wouldn't count last years uni trip as a holiday. It will be my first cruise as well to many cities Ive never visited before, I'm very excited. But one thing that I'm the most excited about may seem silly to many people but i am going to see Lady Gaga in concert! I would only be more ecstatic if i were going to meet her in person.

So hopefully 2010 will be a better year for me than this one, I don't regret this year at all, it was a necessary one to get me to next year, but i wouldn't change it for anything as Ive met some very dear friends indeed this year and I'm very happy to have such amazing people in my life. I'm not sure if he will read this but i have to thank my friend Sam for being so great, and even though we are both a bit fucked up at times we help each other through it. Thanks Sam xxx


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What A Wonderful Start

Ive just started back at uni for my third year and yet again the inevetable strikes! Im ill.

Call it freshers flu or whatever you will, the fact remains that apart from the end of the year, this is by far the worst time to catch something. We have new projects, new timetables and we have to get back into our uni routine. This can be unusually stressful, and is now even more so due to the fact that i feel like death reheated on a three bar fire.

I need to be enthusiastic about my work, i should be full of life, raring and ready to go, but im not. Im finding it difficult even speaking without my throat feeling like its had a wire brush rammed down it.

Six degrees of seperation from myself

Staring into those eyes full of life; confidence, mischief, lust and intelligence. Deep dark and sharp, yet no more three-dimensional than the paper they are printed on. A photograph is said to speak a thousand words, but are mere words enough to explain a person? An image can depict more than words ever can, I have a great faith in words, a love of them and their inflections, tones and meanings, but my feelings for images can be summed up about as easily as the images themselves, in short barely scraping the surface.

These people stare out at me from their captured moment, stuck there as a description of themselves, saying nothing but telling me everything. These people are nothing more than a wall of photographs compiled from the simplest of sources. They are singers, artists, actors, models... Ideas. People that i have grown up with, people that have influenced me, inspired me, shaped me. People say that appearance counts for nought, yet how is it that i find each of these images as important as anything else in my life? I see myself in these people, each of these photographs explains an indefinable fragment of my personality captured by someone that i have never met.

Everyone must surely feel this way, as if they are undiscovered by themselves, to not know yourself, to only know that you are a collaboration of hundreds of different people, images and personalities. If appearance does not mean anything then why does our entire culture rely on it? It does mean something, but people underestimate its importance. Your appearance explains you as a person, it is the only part of you that can be seen, the rest is simply actions that define you. How can I show all of these hundreds of different of people that are screaming to be released? I cannot, the judgement of this world has belittled my young confidence, and even though during my teen years i may have been rather outrageous, that brave person has cowered in the corner for years now, slowly trying to push its way out. I have now reached the conflict, I am everything; an indecisive planner, a shy slut, a smart mess, a suited punk, an ambitious layabout, scared and excited, man and woman, confident and paranoid, a liberal conservative, an unthinking intellectual, an emotional mess, Normal.


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